"Where is Her Husband?"
The above question came from the mouth of a child in regards to me about two weeks ago. Granted, I wasn't supposed to hear it - nevertheless, I did. Several thoughts passed through my mind as I processed the child's question; how did he know I am husband-less? Do I look divorced? Does my countenance scream " SINGLE WOMAN HERE?" I will admit that I felt a little awkward - for a moment, but then I realized the absence of my ex is a good thing.
“Choose your husband carefully - you only have yourself to blame if it ends badly ”
In spite of the fact that I am quite fond of the above quote, I realize women should not be looking for a husband.
“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”
Even though our husbands are to find us - there are some things we as women should be doing so we may be found. And we must also be sure that we are saying yes to the right man, and for the right reasons. We should not marry out of fear of being alone or because we want to be able to say, "I's married now!" There is more to marriage than being Mrs. So-n-So. I bought into the "Happily Ever After" fairy tale. I also admit that I was concerned about the ticking of my biological clock and the fears of becoming an old maid. I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything else back then - and I acknowledge I was blinded by those desires.
When I got married a few years ago, I thought it was going to last forever, but it only lasted for a few risings of the sun and a few settings of the same. Now, I know why it didn't last. In retrospect, I realize the mistakes I made and the signals that I ignored. I regret not being more in tuned to the nonverbal messages of my ex and my concerns regarding his behavior. I've learned a valuable lesson - there are vital ingredients to having a successful relationship, and trust and honesty are two of them.
If your significant other questions your every move and doubts your loyalty to them, plausible or not, they don't trust you. And if you wonder if your partner is working on a fictitious novel when he explains his whereabouts - you don't trust him. If you determine there are trust issues within your relationship, talk about it and be honest - don't make excuses. You may be able to fix it by finding the source and build trust between the two of you, or you will identify some insecurities of your partner and dodge a bullet, or you will see your own insecurities, and then learn how to improve your self-esteem.
I think we should model children when it comes to our communication. Meaning, young children tell us exactly what they are thinking - no filter. As we get older, we learn to lie, or how to embellish our words to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. I don't believe we should have filters with our SO; we should be transparent. Being transparent will enable us to know for sure that we are truly loved for who we are because we are completely exposed. And this behavior will leave no question on where we stand in regards to our relationship.
So, if you are still wondering why I said it is a good thing that my ex is my ex - in a nutshell, we lacked two vital ingredients for a successful relationship. Trust and complete honesty were not present in that relationship and those missing ingredients put a huge strain on the marriage. It is very frustrating being involved with someone who does not trust you. And the answer to "where is her husband?" is - he hasn't found me yet. But, I will make the best out of every step on my path, husband or not.