MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 2; Lessons, Love, and Gratitude

There were quite a few things that came to my mind last week that I highlighted as something I am grateful for. But I had a hard time focusing on what to write about and how to express it. It was difficult because I’ve been distracted by a desire that doesn’t look like it will come to fruition. Although the probability of not getting what I want is disappointing, I’ve decided to look for the good in it—mainly the lessons, love, and feelings of gratitude I can draw from it.

1. The lessons: (a.) I’m not going to get what I want all the time. Honestly, I think at the ripe age of 44, I should have grasped this truth by now. But considering how I feel, I hadn’t fully accepted it. (b.) Treat others the way I want to be treated. I’ve given myself a pat on the back for being able to look at situations from different perspectives and appreciate someone else’s point of view. However, how I have been feeling the last few days allowed me to see I’ve missed the mark. I’m experiencing an act or behavior that I’ve demonstrated to other people—and I don’t like it.

2. Love: I am operating in self-love by identifying my mistakes and being mature enough to correct them.

3. Gratitude: I am grateful for the lessons this disappointment taught me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want it and I’m hoping it is just delayed, but whatever the outcome, I am appreciative of the lessons, the love, and the gratitude it birthed.

Introducing the My Heels in Life Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 1; Anxiety, Discontent, and Dread Oh My

'“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

Psalm 23:4 KJV

Expressing gratitude is something that was instilled in me as a child. I was taught to give thanks for the blessings I received. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned and embraced the importance of being grateful for everything in life—even the bad things.

About three years ago, a coworker who knew about my blog, told me about the gratitude journal, which is a diary of things the author is grateful for. It is designed to help focus on the positive things in life. When it was mentioned to me, I thought it was a great idea and I wanted to try it, but I hadn’t carved out the time to do it. A few days ago, I was scrolling through my Facebook page and I stopped at two posts from two years ago this week, which inspired me to start my journal. The FB posts weren’t the only things that inspired me. I was also encouraged to do this by the way I felt when I woke up this past Monday morning.

Every morning when I wake up and sit up in my bed, I immediately tell God “thank you.” I do this because I know He extended grace and mercy toward me and allowed me to wake up. And although I am truly grateful for life, I had a little more pep in my step on a Monday—of all days. As I was preparing for work, I realized my mind was at peace. I wasn’t complaining about the fact that I was going to work. This is significant because a year ago this week, I felt completely different. Back then, I was consumed with anxiety, discontent, and dread. I literally hated going to work. I was actually sad about it!

Two years ago this week I started a different position at work. Honestly speaking, as the first day of that gig approached, I started worrying and wondering if I was equipped to handle what I was about to face. The night before, I was still feeling uneasy, and the song “My Life is in Your Hands” by God’s Property came to my mind.

I know I wrote about this before, but it bears repeating. When the song came to my mind, I thought it was to comfort and reassure me—sending the message that everything was going to be alright. By no means am I saying everything didn’t turn out fine—well I see it did now. What I am saying is, it didn’t pan out the way I envisioned. And now that I think about it, I didn’t listen closely to the lyrics. He was telling me my heart was going to be broken—I was embarking upon a test. But He was letting me know that I could take it because He was with me, and joy was coming later.

“For His anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, by joy cometh in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5 KJV

In a nutshell, my heart was broken and I was devastated, but my morning arrived. I am no longer fighting anxiety, discontent, and dread. However, I am grateful for that time in my life. I learned some invaluable lessons.

1. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” - Romans 8:28 KJV

2. “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” - 1 Peter 5:10 KJV

3. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross , despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 KJV

4. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” - Jeremiah 29:11 KJV

Everything that happens to me may not feel good, but it is for my good and for His purpose. There are some things in life that I will have to endure, but I know I can make it regardless of how it may feel. Today, I am grateful for peace and the knowledge that my life is in His hands no matter what comes my way.

I Want Butterflies and Someone to Love Me

In most cases when I am engaged in conversation, I can easily respond to whatever I am asked. Even if the subject is something I am unfamiliar with, I typically state the need to look into it and ensure that I will follow-up shortly. However, I was recently asked a question that left me dumbstruck and speechless. Now, this isn’t something that I would classify as strange because we all have or will encounter situations where we are caught off guard by a question or statement.

I was asked, “What do you want, Towanda?” And I had no response. In retrospect, I think I should have been able to easily state what Towanda wants. It is a simple question—right? Since I was unable to answer his question instantaneously, I made it my assignment to figure it out.

So, what does Towanda want? Do I want a monogamous relationship? Or do I want to date whomever whenever I want? What is my ultimate goal? Am I interested in a long-term relationship? Do I want to get married again? Do I just want to spend time with someone talking and sharing our inner-most desires and secrets or enjoy being silent together? Would I like to watch the sunrise with someone special as we cuddle or spoon—and occasionally serve as the big spoon?

Do I want to experience loving someone for life and it be reciprocated? Would I like to be loved in spite of my faults and flaws? Do I want to be accepted and loved beyond what can be seen on the surface and give the same in return?

Do I want a life/relationship that mimics those R&B singles that reside on my playlist? The ones that tell a story of finding, building, and enjoying love. Do I want my love story to begin with the lyrics to “Lifetime” then move to the words of “Someone to love you” followed by the lines to “Share my world?” Yes, that is what I want.

I want butterflies and uncontrollable smiles. I want real, honest, and consistent love. I want acceptance of who I am and who I am not. I want someone to love me, without question or an ounce of doubt in my mind or his. I want a love that understands every day won’t be perfect, but we recognize if we work together, we can face it and work through it.

So, what does Towanda want? She wants to love again, and finally be loved the way she deserves.

No Joy? Leap for It!

One of my friends had asked me the same question during practically every conversation we had, “Are you dating yet?”

I didn’t necessarily find his inquiries annoying because I know his interest or concern is coming from a good place, but it did cause me to regurgitate my reasons for not dating. And one of the main reasons was fear. I was afraid of not seeing someone is bad for me.

Here’s a little background on that—I believe I ignored a lot of tell-tale signs in a previous relationship that indicated we weren’t compatible. I was blinded by my desires, which kept me from seeing the pending trainwreck I was going to encounter.

This fear caused me to place a wall between me and future potential partners. This friend told me to let go of what happened in the past and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. Although his advice was sound, I received the same nudge from two other sources; my mother and a popular sitcom.

People who know me well, are aware of my love for the Golden Girls. I watch the show faithfully on Hulu every day...yes, every day. I’ve extracted a lot of lessons from the show, but the episode “Rose the Prude,” taught me an invaluable one about taking a chance. In this episode, Rose reluctantly agrees to go on a double date with Blanche and two brothers. As the story unfolds, Rose had been apprehensive about dating because she was comparing every man she met to her late husband Charlie and it wasn’t until she met Ernie on this double date that she began to contemplate the idea of being with another man.

During Rose’s confession to her two best friends, Dorothy gives her some profound advice, “The bottom line is, if you take a chance in life sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But honey, if you don’t take a chance nothing happens.”

So, I decided to follow his—and Dorothy’s—advice, and I took a leap.  I’m glad I did. The change in my mindset has allowed me to experience feelings of excitement and happiness, which I hadn’t felt in quite some time.

You may not be in a situation like mine. You might be contemplating starting a new job, starting a business, or writing a book. Whatever you are pondering over pursuing that you believe will bring you joy—leap for it! The end result may be bad or it may be good, but you won’t know if you don’t leap.

The Sky is the Limit to What I Can Have; but, Does that Include a Child?

“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. ”

— Mark 11:24 KJV

When I started blogging five years ago, I planned to share my sense of style and information related to where I like to shop. That is what I was encouraged to do. It wasn’t my original plan to create a second blog focused on my life and relationships, but when I sat down to write, I was driven to share my experiences, and quite frankly, my innermost hurts. But today I contemplated writing about my seemingly suppressed desire for a child. I questioned whether or not I would be exposing too much of myself. But I remembered something I read and shared a few months ago.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

— Fred Rogers

This past October, I met with one of my friends to record an episode about pregnancy and infant loss awareness for my podcast. During our discussion, my longing for a baby rose to the forefront of my mind and touched the very core of my heart. Prior to this conversation, I thought I had closed the door on the possibility of ever birthing another human. I also believed I had moved past wanting a baby. But the conversation I had on that Sunday morning in October let me see I had been deceiving myself.

I told my mother about it later that day, and in her usual fashion, she encouraged me to pray about it. She reminded me that God can do anything.

“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,”

— Ephesians 3:20 KJV

I haven’t shied away from expressing the feelings I experienced—and still bear—because of the loss of my babies. To date, losing my children is the most painful experience of my life. So, I think it is understandable that I am hesitant about entertaining the idea of becoming pregnant again—there’s so much to consider. I thought about my age and the fact that I miscarried twice. Not to mention, I am unmarried—and I just recently reopened my mind to dating again. But in the midst of my whirlwind of reasons not to give in to the yearning within me, an old song by The Clark Sisters, “Expect Your Miracle,” popped in my head.

The words of the song are fairly simple and the message is direct and clear.

“Just beleive and receive it,

God will perform it today…

I expect a miracle every day,

God will make a way out of no way…”

- Expect Your Miracle, the Clark Sisters

And as I sit here writing the thoughts of my intimate desires, I recognize what I must do. I need to follow the advice I immediately give to my friends whenever they come to me for encouragement or direction—pray about it. Because the fact of the matter is, the sky is the limit to what I can have.