“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

— Lily Tomlin

I wasn’t sure about sharing this piece or keeping it to myself. Publishing it may make me vulnerable or even viewed differently. But, if I claim to be unapologetically myself – why should the thoughts of others matter? Furthermore, a close friend of mine reminded me that my story can be beneficial to someone who is going through a difficult time. I believe my words can inspire and encourage someone else.

“She told me I was her greatest teacher…and you will tell me that too.” Those words came from my ex during one of our numerous “discussions” regarding our relationship. He was trying to convince one or both of us that he was a positive influence in my life. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I say I’m not sure because I partially agree with the statement.

Over the past few months I have been pondering over my frustrations with dating. It seems as if there is a lack of follow through with every guy I meet and I don’t understand it. There isn’t an issue with men finding me attractive and interesting, but for some reason the courting doesn’t seem to flow and I think I may know why.

I can recall conversing with other females who complained about dating – and how the same issues where constantly arising in every relationship. My response was, “what is the common denominator?” Well, Towanda – what is the common denominator in your situation? – You.

Earlier this evening I was battling with my lack of inspiration to write. Nothing was coming to mind that drove me to type until I started thinking about my non-existing dating life. I asked myself a question, “Are my frustrations with dating related to the men I’m meeting or am I the problem?” As I began to think about the answer to this question I realized I haven’t truly come to terms with how I feel about my ex-husband. I haven’t fully expressed or let go of the anger and resentment I have toward him and I think this is hindering my progress for a new relationship. I can’t help but wonder if my possible suitors see the bitterness within me. Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are several aspects of dating; timing, level of interest, and just plain life. However, I recognize the need to acknowledge my issues, resolve them, and prepare myself for my next relationship.

The fact of the matter is, I would absolutely love to curse my ex-husband from here to next Tuesday. I would enjoy screaming obscenities and flipping him the bird just like he did to me when we were married. So – here I go.

I resent you for all of the negative things you said and did to me and how the stress of living with your anger and volatile behavior, played a part in the early delivery and deaths of my children. But, most of all, I resent you for telling me you love me and stating what a great person I am after treating me like I was worthless for two years. However, I have decided – in this moment, to forgive you. Not because you sincerely apologized or acknowledged your wrong doing, but because I deserve inner peace and happiness.

Were you my greatest teacher? No, but you taught me a lot. You taught me what not to do in my future relationship and you showed me that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. You enabled me to see my worth in the midst of your mistreatment of me. I have exhaled the pain. I have exhaled you. Peace be unto you and me.