The ‘Miseducation’ of Control

Earlier today, I was asked, “With the untimely arrival of the coronavirus, has your bucket list changed and if so, how?” I considered this to be an interesting question that has the potential to generate good conversations. However, what piqued my interest was the word “untimely.” The word means an event or activity happens at a time that is unsuitable or premature. But how is that possible? Nothing is premature or takes place at an unsuitable time.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV

According to the dictionary, there are a few words used to define control. However, I want to focus on one descriptor, the power to influence or direct the course of events. Generally speaking, we have the misguided belief that we are in control. The last three months have enabled me to see how I have deceived myself. Before the issuance of the stay at home orders, I had a habit of planning my day and intentions without consulting the one who makes all things possible.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

Proverbs 19:21 EHV

The question—and the coronavirus— is giving me a chance to examine myself. I realize how difficult I’ve been making things. Acknowledging there is a time and a purpose for everything that happens is essential to experiencing peace. But more importantly, embracing the fact that God is in control of everything is a major key to managing my behavior. Things will be better for me as soon as I begin to fully trust Him. When I trust Him, He directs me for His purpose.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.”

Proverbs 2:5-7 KJV

He has a plan for my life and it is my responsibility to submit to His will. I admit there have been times when I made it difficult because I didn’t understand why or because it was painful. But I’ve learned that understanding will come in due time or not at all. Furthermore, comprehension is not a requisite for compliance.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

Jeremiah 29:11 KJV

“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”

Psalm 37:4-5 KJV

So, has my bucket list changed? In a manner of speaking, it has. Now I earnestly seek God for direction concerning everything. It doesn’t just make things easier, it is also an act of obedience.

Peace in the Midst of the Storm

“What is it about your family, pets, or friends that brings you the most comfort, security, or strength, especially during times of crisis when facing the unknown?”

The above question was presented to me on Monday and I could hardly wait for the opportunity to answer it. I’ve had a few crises in my life; and in every situation, there were two resources I drew strength from to get through, my family and my faith.

Like a lot of people, my family is important to me and I realize how blessed I am to have them. My parents have always been supportive and loving. They have provided guidance, encouragement, instruction, and correction whenever I needed it. And even though I was known for fighting my brother’s battles when we were children—he became my “knight in shining armor” as we transitioned into adulthood. He is always there when I need him without question or hesitation.

When I was a child, our family was commonly referred to as “the family on the fan.” Years ago hand fans were typically distributed on hot Sundays during the summer months in black churches. There were three fan designs that I remember from the church I attended as a child. One had a picture of “praying hands,” the other was a depiction of Jesus knocking on a wooden door, and the last one had a picture of a black family of four—which the Bryants were compared to. Honestly, it was a fair comparison. The image depicts a father, a mother, a son, and a daughter—that is us. To me, the picture on the fan also tells a story of a family that values their belief in a higher being, which is also us.

My belief in God was instilled in me by my parents. They taught my brother and me to look to God for help in everything through prayer and reading scriptures. Their instruction has gotten me through a lot of difficult times over the years. I’ve shared one of those times before and it bears repeating.

When I was younger, we had testimony services in the church I grew up in. I can distinctly remember the recurring phrase “He is the Prince of Peace” by several people. Although I didn’t doubt the statement when I heard it, it would be years later before I experienced it for myself.

In January 2013, I was in the hospital fighting for my life and the life of my unborn child. I vividly remember the moment my doctor told me I had an infection and she feared both my son and I were going to die. The following morning I delivered my son and he died an hour later. The hope I had for Elijah to live—my desire to see him grow up—was not God’s plan. But in the midst of losing my son, I had a peace that surpassed my understanding. Three years before this experience, I had a conversation with my father about what it means to know something. He said, “You don’t truly know something until you have experienced it.” His words stuck with me and I learned he is right.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

4 There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

6 The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.

7 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

8 Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.

9 He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.

10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.”

— Psalm 46 KJV

So, what is it that brings me the most comfort, security, or strength, especially during times of crisis when facing the unknown? It is knowing Jesus is peace in the midst of the storm—for He is the Prince of Peace.

Self Sabotage: My Masquerade Ball

A few years ago I thought about celebrating my 40th birthday with a masquerade ball themed party. It seemed like a fun way to bring in a milestone birthday; however, I didn’t follow through with the idea. But I think I’ve been living in a masquerade for several months anyway.

Because of COVID-19, I am working on a modified schedule—and I am happy about it. The older I get the more I acknowledge I am an introvert and I am totally elated over not being around a lot of people. But I’ve also noticed how my mindset shifts when I realize my self-isolation time is ending and my return to work is drawing nigh. Bottom line—I don’t want to go. But why? The answer is—deep inside behind the mask—I don’t believe I can do my job.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared my revelations regarding my struggles with fear and doubt. Although everything I said is true and vitally important to successfully gaining victory in this situation—there is still a missing piece. I’ve come to realize learning something isn’t the final step of the process—applying it is.

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.”

James 1:22-25 KJV

I haven’t faced the fact that I don’t fully believe in myself. If I did, I wouldn’t be so easily persuaded to give in to fear and doubt. That was painful, yet therapeutic to write. I’ve been sabotaging myself. I’m obstructing my progress while masking it with a portion of the truth. When I’ve questioned my abilities, I reminded myself that I can do all things through Christ and I expected my mindset to change. But once again, I failed to apply the facts to the situation.

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

Hebrews 11:6 KJV

I’ve been deceiving myself—wearing a mask. I say I believe God’s Word to be true, but I haven’t exercised faith.

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Philippians 4:13 KJV

The above scripture lets us know that we can do everything we are assigned to do through Christ. So if I doubt my abilities, I am in fact doubting God.

“God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?”

Numbers 23:19 KJV

I can do everything God has predestined me to do simply because He said I can and He can not lie. Now that I’ve identified another error of my ways and the path to correct it, I must apply it and put to action. Here I go…

After a While

This past Friday was not one of my better days; however, in the grand scheme of things, I have experienced much worst. I spent a fair amount of time between Friday night and Saturday deliberately dismissing thoughts related to what I experienced at work on Friday. There were some moments where I was successful with focusing on pleasant things, but anguish, fear, and doubt found its way back to the forefront of my mind. I contemplated not sharing this experience, then it occurred to me that this is another opportunity for me to encourage and inspire someone.

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony...”

— Revelations 12:11

For the majority of the last 365 days I have been struggling with fear and doubt. I have questioned my abilities and whether or not I should walk away and do something completely different as an occupation. On numerous occasions I have been reminded that I can do all things through Christ, which undoubtedly encouraged me to keep going. But fear and doubt would creep up again and I would find myself questioning and worrying. So, how do I break this annoying and detrimental cycle?

As I settled down to write, I decided to listen to my usual YouTube playlist, which has a throwback music melody by Pastor Marvin Winans. This particular video encourages me every time I watch it. I stumbled upon it for the first time back in 2013 when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. Approximately 10 days before ever seeing the video, I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with my second son. In addition to that, my marriage was falling apart.

While I was in the hospital, my doctor informed me that I had an infection and she believed both my son and I were going to die. Moments before that conversation occurred, my then-husband sent me a text message telling me he was moving out. The next morning I went into labor and delivered my son who died one hour after his birth—which is the second most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The first painful experience was the death of his older brother, which transpired two years earlier.

A week after I was released from the hospital, I moved out of the house I occupied with my then-husband and I lived in an extended-stay hotel in Virginia with my mother for 30 days. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was worried and afraid. I was hurting over the loss of another child and the demise of my marriage. But the song that I heard—that seemed to be random—encouraged me immensely. The words to the song are simple, but inspiring.

“After ‘while it will all be over…after ‘while the sun gon’ shine…after ‘while dark clouds will pass over…and we’ll shout Hallelujah after while…”

The song reminds me of a familiar scripture:

“But may the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

— 1 Peter 5:10 KJV

As I listened to the words to the song I drew strength and encouragement from it and I fully believed everything was going to be all right. I didn’t know when, but I had faith that it was coming—and it did. I distinctly remember the day I genuinely smiled again, December 25, 2013.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,”

— Psalm 30:11

So, how will this cycle of fear and doubt be broken? By trusting the same God who brought my smile back in 2013. The dark clouds passed away and the sun began to shine—and it is going to happen again.

Attribution: Image illustration by Raphael L. McNeal

What is Black Excellence?

My participation in my employer’s Black History Month event was eye-opening for multiple reasons. But before I get into that, let me explain what black excellence is. For some, it is a black person who portrays great qualities and abilities that make the black community proud—or at least that is what Urban Dictionary states. To me, it is an aspiration or mindset that demonstrates; strength, enlightenment, resilience, power, and encouragement—which all are embodied in the history and culture of black people.

In preparation for the event, I was charged with writing my talking points. This shouldn’t be a strange task for me to complete considering I get paid to write speeches for other people, but it was weird writing one for myself. But then it occurred to me that I had a great opportunity to intentionally demonstrate black excellence in honor of Black History month and for my own sanity.

Over the last several months I have been struggling with self-doubt. I find myself questioning my abilities and whether or not I belong in the position I currently hold. I’ve asked myself why I’ve been experiencing these thoughts and feelings. Life is full of new experiences and challenges and I’ve had my share of both; but, I’ve had difficulty believing I belong in conjunction with trusting in my capabilities to do my job. I’ve wondered if my feelings derived from the lack of people who look like me in my office, which has ignited doubt. And here is where black excellence comes to play.

At the beginning of this post, I shared attributes that I believe make-up black excellence: strength is the capacity of an object to withstand great force or pressure; enlightenment is the act of giving spiritual insight; resilience is the ability to withstand or recover from difficult conditions; power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way; encouragement is the act of giving support, confidence, or hope to someone.

I have operated in excellence before. I’ve exercised strength, enlightenment, resilience, power, and encouragement in the most difficult times in my life. And there is no reason why I can’t use them to overcome fear.

When I stepped onto the stage during the event, I presented the best version of me—which lets me know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am an example of black excellence and it is my duty to walk in it every day to encourage and inspire those following in my footsteps—but most of all—I owe it to myself.